I haven’t blogged in almost a year, I have been silent, yet there has been much filling this mind, soul and life of mine. Last April, in the days that followed my last post, I was hit with back-to-back horrible colds/illness. And topping that, the lil baby girl was hit with much of the same. Weeks turned into months and all of a sudden, summer came. My entire spring was spent befriending Kleenex box after Kleenex box, tears of frustration falling because “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired,” a baby girl who found no relief from a common cold with the tiniest of noses that brought forth more flows of green gunk than I ever thought possible! So… now almost a year later, that was the beginning of what has turned into semi-permanent silence here.

Summer 2012 was full – May – July were traveling, moving apartments and Training Camp camping – yes I camped for 2.5 weeks with my then 7-month old! She was a champ but it was not weeks of ease… sweat, nursing on a cot, interrupted or absent nap times, very early mornings,  earwigs creeping… but it was a time of great love from others upon the lil gal. Times of worship and watching as teens began relationships and saw their flame ignited brighter for following Christ and serving His world.  July was more traveling to see family and settling back in at home in August. And again, this little piece of my world sat silent as adventures around the country consumed us.

And then came fall… and it’s one that was easy.

Not because we were so busy or had crazy travels, or visitors or too much school. It was one of sin. Secret-filled, of pain from the past, ok with the view behind my walls, of letting old dreams get the best of me, of NOT enjoying the present, but dreaming of my life’s “What if’s..”, of tripping over things behind me. And there that darn weed grew deeper and deeper within me, twisting its’ roots through every consumable space within me.

One day I was tending a friend/co-workers flowerbeds and God brought this to my attention. In that place, tall weeds, tiny weeds, weeds with pretty buds and flat thorny weeds, surrounded me. Most were miniscule ones, plucked without much effort. I got to those little buggers early, when most of their existence was in the light, tiny thin roots unable to hold to their ground against a light tug. Gone once and for all.

But some stood as tall as me, thick stalks, bright leaves, disguising themselves as flourishing plants so that one might not pluck them, that they’d be allowed to grow deeper, take over more space and corrupt the whole garden. These took all my strength, sweat to even slightly budge. They had deep roots intertwined with a secret life underground holding them strong. Twisting, chopping, prodding and digging all while in the heat of late summer and often resulting only in trimming the leaves off or being able to cut off what was above ground while those devious thick roots were left to continue their abiding in the garden.

It was here in this mulch-laden ground, where these weeds brought the vision of my own sin. I sat in the dusty ground, beads of sweat dripping from my face, hands raw from the attempts. God simply took a moment and gave me this vision of my sin. I commit sins that are mostly in the light, they don’t have a hold on me, I can easily pluck them, be reconciled. Yet, in my life, there is at least one huge weed that I’d let grow into something so much bigger than being able to pluck. It takes trimming, twisting the stock, chopping, tugging with all my strength, and yet it will continue to grow because I am tired and unable to do the heavy work alone. I can trim it so it’s barely visible to the standard observer yet underneath it continues to prod its way through what was fertile soil and healthy root systems. It deep and it takes more than myself to remove it completely.  It eats away and wears down the surrounding areas. Letting years and years go by simply watching it grow, watching the hold it has, trimming it back and watching it, often even forgetting about it… then a simple walk back into that garden and there it is. Deep as ever.

With the head-knowledge that the deep weeds of life can be removed and the space once again renewed, with hope, something new can grow from that broken land. But alone, I’m frail and torn, hurt and the weed wins.

This morning I was driving to work and turned on the local Christian radio station… I typically don’t listen to it but decided that my heart was a bit heavy and lyrics always speak into my life. So rather than my typical country music choice, “let’s forget it and move on to more fun things” lyrics, I thought I may find some encouragement. But I didn’t expect this… a new-to-me song that so strongly resonated…

 ”Worn” by Tenth Avenue North

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

I am worn, tired and weak, not just because of what I’ve spoke of above but because of a lot of life things. I’m not all down-in-the-dumps overall but the struggle is there and the weight doesn’t let up in these certain areas of life right now. There’s decisions to be talked about, prayed about, discernment to be made, relationships to invest in, marriage to work on, there’s a lil girl who needs taught, dreams to be dreamt, and a present day to enjoy. But in the deepest, most truest parts of my being, which usually only are shared in my prayer journal – only between my Savior and me – I share. I need light. I need to be real because I’ll never write on this blog again if it’s not real, if it’s not honest and deep. If I think about each person in my life who may or may not read this and sensor it to protect myself from their comment or response, then I’m not writing for me, or for the reasons I feel I am to write. To encourage others through writing & sharing life – it’s one of the things that makes me who I am, it’s how I communicate best. And I feel it pulsing within me to share, even in the hard stuff, so I will. Even in this, I trust that redemption will win.

And honestly, life is hard right now. Decisions weigh heavily when there’s no clear direction, conversations become muddled, the desire to relax overcomes the desire to work hard, and even the sin seems too deep a weed to pull. But if there’s a glimmer of hope, if I hope in what I know to be true of my Creator and Sustainer, then I sit here crying out for maybe the deepest rescue of my lifetime. To be renewed, to see new dreams come, to see weed plucked, no matter how hard the work. To see myself shining bright in His light, doing the things I know my life is meant to be used for.

I’m posting this without any editing, I need something raw. I’m sure I’ll reread it a handful of times and think of a million ways I should have used better words, chosen to not say some, and been more creative in descriptions, but alas, I’ll leave it. It’s my journey, it my life. And the things that fill my life are worth fighting for. I won’t process it all here, but I want my corner of the web to be real, a real encouragement, it’s not all sprinkled with sugar and gumdrops! It’s rough and tough, a journey worth learning from. And this will be mine.

Still ENJOYING TODAY for all the joys that fill a day, for the smiles that shine, for the love that fills, the adventure and fun between sunrises and sunsets.  But knowing that there are things to work through, things to pull and purge, weed out and make room for anew.

Enjoi Today, 

even in the struggles

SCK